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What I would do sexually to Ben Barnes.
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Dorian Gray.


How can a film be that bad? How?
And how can I still enjoy it?

Let me tell you, it is a simple reason:

Ben Barnes has sex with everyone.

When he is not doing so, he is wearing fancy fine well-buttoned coats and waistcoats that show off his girlish waspish waist.

When he is not doing that, he is looking sad and tortured and as full of woe as a kitten in a bucket.

And even when he's standing around looking blankly pretty, he still has the damn fine mane of hair, all pantene-ad shiny and healthy and full of volume.

...I seem to have got distracted there. ANYWAY. It is just. Wow. I ended up going on a whim, and expected it to be a) trashy, b) awful, c) attempting to be edgy, and 4) TOTALLY RADICAL AWESOME YOU GUYS. It was all of these things. It just defined "so bad, it's good". During the film I spent most of my time trying not to laugh, rolling my eyes in my finest teenage-girl fashion most ironically, or leaning over to my fellow viewer to mutter comments along the lines of "aww, he's so pretty with his pretty face" and "he's getting it on with a bloke! Brilliant! I love this film!" At the end I burst into a fit of hysterical laughter that lasted around ten minutes, left me gasping for air, and shrieking over just how terriblawesome it was. In the crowded cinema. I do not care if I seemed rude, that was the only reaction I could have had and I am shocked and amazed that more people were not in hysterics. It was comedy genius. There is one scene where, spliced together, there are images of polite society folk taking tea, and images of a SEXY SEXY VICTORIAN S&M SEX PARTY WITH TATTOOISTS. They were trying to be WITTY and SUBVERSIVE and the entire thing just looked like a parody. Next time I'm bringing a hipflask full of gin, and I will drink for every sex scene, and every time Ben Barnes looks pretty but vaguely confused, and every time he dons a new coat, and I will get thoroughly drunk and have to be escorted off the premises.

...Thinking about it, it would actually be very difficult to parody the film, it does such a good job itself. I knew I was going to love it after Dorian gets propositioned by rent boys within the first ten minutes of the thing.


As scenery/costume/Ben Barnes' naked form porn, however, it was bloody brilliant. Costumes, costumes, 'artful' nudity, COSTUMES. Even if the characters didn't speak/act/look like Victorians, at least they had the clothes, eh?

Mmm, clothes. Cravats. Top hats. Oh my. I think I need to go to wikipedia's history of western costume pages RIGHT NOW.

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Great post! I wasn't too enamoured of Dorian Gray although great clothing-porn. God that period was hot for men's wear!

It all hinged on the fact that I didn't fancy the lead. He was a bit too young for my tastes and I was worried I'd be arrested for even thinking he might have a willie.

I adored the gay kiss and had to stop myself applauding. (That would have had me arrested as well!)

And the picture itself was fantastic.

The orgy scenes were comical, I agree as was the tame bdsm. I have never seen tattooists during a sex scene. Am I innocent or something?

Still, very glad I saw it - I'll write a proper review over the weekend but I wanted to say I really enjoyed yours.

Ohh, the clothing-porn - I am entirely of the opinion that all men need to wear late Victorian clothing. Women less so because of the deforming corsets and lack of mobility but STILL.

And Ben Barnes is nearly thirty, he just looks disturbingly factory fresh. So he's not nearly as morally troubling as, say, Anton Yelchin, who is rendered positively embryonic by comparison.

Really though, I like to imagine that the entire film is actually a very high concept comedy, and none of the reviewers have picked up on it yet. Otherwise I'll have to go mope about the state of cinema in the corner for a bit, and I can't be doing with that. :P

Really though, I like to imagine that the entire film is actually a very high concept comedy, and none of the reviewers have picked up on it yet. Brilliant! I'm going to quote you on that when I get round to my review.

Not only were the women's clothes a bit dodgey, also the hair -eew.

30 you say? *rubs hands* I may have to re-watch...

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